Not all arguments are a bad thing.
Alexandra Lamoreaux and Amy Kenney, from Refresh Relationships, say you can actually have a healthy fight if you play by these 4 rules.
1. Soft Start up: This sets the tone for the "fight" so to speak
Examples include:
"I share responsibility for this…"
"I vs you statements"
"I'm not trying to criticize or blame…"
See each other as a team vs the problem
2. Pay attention to Repair Attempts
While the phrase may be unfamiliar it's very likely both you and your partner have made them even unintentionally in the past. These look like cracking a joke to lighten the mood, bids for physical contact, using a sweet nick name etc. Successful repair attempts can put the train back on the track toward a solution.
3. Listen to understand not to respond
Often in moments of conflict we become defensive and listen only long enough to formulate a response to our partner. When we shift to a place of listening to understand our partner can sense it and let their guard down and trust that we care to empathize with their point of view.
To practice this skill don't move on until you can repeat your partner's point of view to THEIR satisfaction.
4. Take a break
We've all heard the "never go to bed angry troupe" but oftentimes taking a break from the discussion is exactly what needs to happen. Evidence shows that when we become "flooded" or physically and psychologically overwhelmed, it is virtually impossible to have a productive problem- solving discussion. If it's late, consider reminding your partner you love them and go to bed with a commitment to revisit the issue when you've both had the opportunity to rest or regroup. It's important to honor this commitment to revisit and not just move forward with resentment and unmet needs.
Refresh Relationships is having a couples retreat June 8-11, 2023 at Snowbird. For more information visit refreshrelationships.com.
